Monthly Archives: May 2010

How to love again:

Posted on by

4

I’m not really one to ever talk about relationships. I’m horrible in them, and I fall too hard for guys that I really have no business falling for. I throw around the world love like my family uses salt at the dinner table and I’ve used it so many times I don’t know what it actually is supposed to mean…after all Steve Carell set the precedent when he loved lamp. (bad joke, but I couldn’t resist)

So…what is love. undefinable? this majestic feeling that lifts you off your feet and makes you warm and cozy inside, like a hot chocolate with just the right amount of marshmallows.

Webster tells us:

1. a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire :affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>

2. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God

But…that doesn’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel…how do I know if it’s love. How do I know if I can love someone again?

In writing this post I’m not questioning if I will ever love another man again..lord knows I will, but whether I will ever love another mom again.

A fun fact about myself that I usually don’t share with other people is that my mum died. I don’t share it because I hate that it in some way or shape defines me. I hate the “I’m sorry” look and how some people are more careful around you. My mum died when I was 6 of ALS (it’s fitting I tell you now because May is ALS awareness month) After watching (for about a year) my mum disintegrate in front of my eyes I didn’t think I could ever let another mother like figure into my heart. I don’t remember a lot about my mum, some people say it’s because I was so young but I think I’m blocking out the more painful episodes. The few memories I have of her are a combination, some are her sitting in the living room drinking out of a coffee mug..being able to walk..lifting me out of the car. Others are from when she had no mobility, when she was confined to a wheel chair that did everything for her. My favorite one (the one I remember on my own..not influenced by pictures or people) is when I went with her and my dad for treatment (at least how I remember it) and we were all in the pool, (This was about the time my mother lost use of her legs) and we were waiting for her to get in…when she got in she could walk again. She could pick me up…it was like she wasn’t even sick anymore, we were normal again. That’s the last healthy memory I have of us as a family.

So my title…how to love again…

I just didn't have bangs, and my nose was smaller.

For me I have to let go of the fear that they will leave me…either by dying or by just leaving. I need to trust the fact that loving someone and letting them in is worth it. That giving myself up as some exposed canvas will be okay. I won’t end up crumpled on the floor missing them, I’ll be able to pick myself up and be o k a y .

I’ve had a step mother for about 9 years now. I call her mom, I tell her I love her, but I can’t help wondering if I really do. Can I really ever love another mother again? Do I want to risk giving my all and her leaving me? Is being worried about that love? How could I not love the woman who got me through my teenage years, I mean come-on…to put up with me she must’ve loved me back. But I can’t help feeling guilt for loving someone else’s mom, for not staying true to my mum.  Which is probably why I’m writing a whole book about it (had to plug it in).

So…for my usual procedural step part of my entry:

Step 1: breath in

Step 2: Inch forward

Step 3: Jump in

The only way to love someone is by going all the way in, you can’t just stick your feet into the top of the water…you need to cannon ball in and trust that someone will be there to kiss your booboo’s when you come out.

How to Survive Finals Week

Posted on by

4

Dear students and Professors…take a deep breath, Look at the calendar..and scream.

That’s right, it’s  finals week. Where did the semester go? Who knows! But it’s almost over. I always picture this part of the semester as a false end..like your in a desert (where you’ve been for months) running towards what you thought was this beautiful water fall and as soon as you reach it you fall into sand. That’s what Finals are for me…but sometimes while you’re laying there a giant sand storm comes up and picks you up..and you are screwed.

This semester I have four finals (out of six classes so I shouldn’t be complaining) but one is Bio. Bio to me is like organic chemistry to a kindergarten. I don’t know why…I just am not a science/math/history girl. At All. And on of my other finals is just a paper, so again I should be complaining..except it was due yesterday and I am writing this post instead of finishing it right now.

OKAY so how to survive Finals week: (how to conquer the impossible)

Step 1: Make a list of all the days and times of your finals. May three of them…you know for that night when you come in completely trashed and you have something at 8am and don’t remember. That post it note right next to your bed just may help.

Step 2: Print out all of your study guides. I find it more helpful, and more likely to get done, when I have a hard copy of something. This way I can close my laptop and get down to the  business of Cross Culture psychology.

Step 3: If you have questions for your professors, don’t say them for the last-minute! Make sure to ask a couple of days in advance. This way you are saving them the headache of answering you email, while they have thousands of assignments to go through…and you look like a better student.

Step 4: Stock up on water, Advil and gum. I drink water like my life depends on it (well it kind of does) so during finals I need a bottle. Even if it;s just to take my mind of the question while I sip a nice cool refreshing sip of ice-cold water. Advil…I stress out like no body’s business, and when I do I clench/grind my teeth, which puts pressure on this thing that then puts pressure on your head and I get a nasty headache, Advil has saved me some major angry break outs (I get angry when I’m in pain…can’t show weakness obviously). Gum…the only study I’m using is the one that says when you chew gum your concentration is better. At least for me. I am addicted to gum (and not supposed to be…it makes my jaw really sore and feel horrible) I think it helps me concentrate on finals, and as long as I believe that I can usually semi finish it thinking I will pass.

Step 5: Get  a goodnight’s sleep before your finals. I’ve made this mistake far too often, and it is not worth staying up all night…sleeping for 2 hours then going to your final. Get at least 7 hours of sleep the night before. I know you think cramming all of the info. in at the last moment will help, but it won’t. If anything you’ll just be more freaked out. Try to study during the day. Or go to bed early and wake up early if you are a morning person. I’ve found out that some of my best work happens at 3am…but I make sure I go to bed at 8 or 9 so I sleep. Or I schedule a nap in later that day…ahh the wonders of being a college student.

Step 6: Make sure to bring your own pencil to the final! (or pen) I (this was just a one thing) forgot my pencil, and the teacher didn’t have enough. Lucky the girl sitting next to me had an extra so it wasn’t a big deal…but what would’ve happened if she didn’t? It would’ve sucked. So bring your own writing utensils just to be on the safe side!

Step 7: If you have a question on your test, ask the Professor. It’s better to be safe than sorry on a final. And when other students ask questions, listen! Sometimes it’s the question you wanted to ask…then you don’t have to go up and look at the Professors annoyed face and listen to the forced dramatic sigh.

Step 8: Hand in your final. And just smile say “Have a great summer” Then as soon as the door shuts begin jumping for joy because you are finally done and never have to sit through another BIO (or whatever) class again! And while you are in the midst of celebrating that cute boy who has totally been half flirting with you all semester is obviously going to walk out and give you the “what is she on” stare. Embrace it, you’ll probably never see him again anyway.

So the main thing: Stay relaxed! Sleep! Stalk up on needed supplies! and Study!

Things to watch out for:

Cleaning, I clean when I need something else to do. Blogging, as you can see…I also created another blog instead of studying for my psychology of personality final. Facebook, Cracked.com, collegecandy and Twitter are all huge distractions for me…have someone change your passwords if it gets really bad. And Hulu/T.V. I can always find some episode of some obscure show that I haven’t seen…damn bad T.v.

Hopefully I’ve inspired you to put away the computer and start opening the 350 dollar book that hasn’t been opened all year, or at least while looking for more distractions you opened your notebook.

What are your tips and tricks to surviving finals? Any horrible distractions you care to share?

How to make me angry:

Posted on by

0

WARNING: this is a thing’s I hate post (inspired by Penelope Trunk) except mine is more whiney and I’m okay with it.

OKay, so this week has been one of my least favorite weeks in a long time. It was one of those weeks where if it can go wrong, chances are it will and it will be because of something you did. I’ve even gotten to the point where while I’m writing this, with my legs taking up one couch so people won’t sit in front of me and my bag taking up a chair, that I give the dirtiest looks to the groups of people standing near me or if they ask me to move my legs I act obnoxiously and huff my way through it. This isn’t normally me, I normally am pretty nice and smile a lot…but some weeks you just have enough. And this week I have had enough!

number 1: Letting people down

This is a two-way street for me. I hate being let down, but more than anything I hate letting people down. I feel like I ran over a puppy when someone tells me I let them down. It’s the worst feeling in the world (well at least top ten)

number 2: Lying/ Know it alls

He doesn't like know it alls either

We all lie..but some people lie too much about too many things. Lying hurts people and making up long detailed stories to make yourself look better isn’t really worth it. I know because I used to be one of those people, not on purpose…I would just say something that was a complete lie to impress the person. I wouldn’t even be trying to lie it would just happen. And then I used to lie to random people I didn’t know about having a boyfriend…that’s when I realized I was going down a slippery slope. And know it alls (ugh) it’s everything they say and do that bothers me. When they think that they have all the answers…they don’t! We’re in college…no one has all the answers! And if you did have all the answers…why are you here? I don’t understand how people can be so knowledgeable about every single subject I bring up..come on really?!

number 3: Saying “hehe”

I don’t know why, it seems really silly..but when people type hehe it bothers me so much! It’s like hearing an annoying ringing that you can’t stop..seriously though! I wish I was kidding. It’s usually when guys type it that my skin starts to crawl and I close the IM box. But when anyone says it, it is just really annoying. It’s kind of like the word moist (ew) I can’t stand either things.

number 4: Not having goals

why? Why can’t you have a goal…”Because I won’t be able to complete it.” WOW you will go far. Having goals isn’t always about completing them, it’s about having something to get to, something to reach for. When you couldn’t walk, it was the ability to walk, when you couldn’t ride your back without training wheels..you eventually got there! What is so scary about creating new and improved goals? nothing!

That's pretty much what I see, except slightly less hairy.

number 5: Not Believing in yourself

Whoever you are, whatever you are doing I’m sure you are fantastic at it! And you need to believe that too. (You also need to be aware that you can always learn more and to not shut people out that are trying to help) but for the most part if you believe you rock, other people will follow suit. So stop acting like a mopey 13-year-old, get off your but and do something! Even if it’s just starting a blog!

Now that I’m done, and the clouds are a beautiful golden-yellow. It’s actually gorgeous it looks like someone painted each layer…I love the after math of rain storms. When everything is green and the sun starts to try to come out. Sorry off topic.

What do you hate? Do you even think it’s okay to hate things? (I definetly do, and think it’s healthy. Imagine if no one hated anything…there would be such a one sided passion) So you agree/disagree? I want to know, let me have it!

That’s all for now, hopefully I’ll get better with updating.