It should come as no surprise to you that I’m a baby whisper (not to be confused with a ghost whisper).

Basically it boils down to being able to understand babies, as well as hearing what others can’t. Similar to J-love, but without crying and reuniting loved ones…oh and people can see the babies too.

For instance, the other day the baby said “I’m hungry.” I was in quite a state of shock considering he is three months old. I then realized he hadn’t said I’m hungry, he had said  ”Feed me bitch.” You think babies can’t hear you when you swear, but they can.

Maybe it was a hallucination, I thought,  surely this three-month old, who can not even sit up, didn’t just say feed me bitch. So I kept an ear out the rest of the day, and what do you know…I’m not crazy! Baby can freaking talk!

Words he (probably, but most definitely, actually, truly) said:

Yea, hello, hi, bug, ma, da, woof (or it was a sneeze), mother fucker (maybe that was me though), sleepy, please put me to bed, I don’t know why I’m crying either and bitch please.

I know you think I’m making this up, but you see…me and the baby are close, like two thugs in the crips close. We’ve got each other’s backs, and a special langauge all our own.

Like how if he gurgles twice it means he needs a diaper change, or if he goes “blah da mar blah” he is asking how my day is going. It’s okay if you don’t get it, his mother doesn’t either.

I guess I’m just special, you know…like a chosen one or something. Don’t worry though, I’ll stick to specializing in baby talk rather than slaying vampires.