Monthly Archives: May 2012

The Nanny Diaries: Nanny gone bad

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Maybe it’s because I’m slowly realizing all babies are the spawn of satan, maybe it’s because I feel like my potential is being wasted on caring for a lump of fat (yes, I realize that is harsh but he knows how I feel about his weight gain). Whatever the real reason behind (which I’m positive we both know) I’m tired of this gig.

I can’t take the screaming anymore, the being pushed away (even though he supposedly “loves me” …yeah lady gimme some proof on that one), the insanely full diapers of poop, getting peed on..do I really need to continue?

It’s surprisingly a lot to deal with. Especially the crying, there are only so many squats I can do per nap scream.

So I’ve started looking for a new job, shh it’s on the down low. I think the baby knows though, he keeps giving me this sad puppy dog eyes…which makes me want to stay for about a minute. Then he has a major blow out (picture the exorcist vomiting scene…but from a different end) and it makes me realize I’m not ready to be wiping buts right now.

No matter what, it’s a dilemma. I love this little guy, but this is just not what I’m supposed to be doing now.

Another kind of love

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I fell in love on a crisp fall day while driving along back roads in rural Maine. I fell in love with myself, and I promise not in a narasistic way involving a sad early death from drowning. I’ve been having a sort of inner battle with myself over everything, from my lack of motivation to be the best, to my lack of phone calls and visits home. And don’t get me started on my pathetic love life, that’s a whole bunch of stories for a different day.

I had decided October 3rd of this year to start a new life. It was the anniversary of my biological mother’s birthday, and the kick in the butt I needed to get my life going. I started working out again, joined an Overeaters anonymis group (can I even say that?) and said goodbye to all of the guys in my life. I figured if I was going to start fresh, I might as well start with the very area that lead me to my current state.

The hardest problem with a fresh start is enjoying it, it’s easy to pretend that you like this old you…but so quickly we fall back into our same patterns because we lack the reassurance of friends, or miss the old us. I’ve been at the breaking point for a while, but things changed. I had my nieces for the weekend and decided we were going to enjoy the fall day outside whether they wanted to or not. Luckily there are a few corn mazes in Maine and after quickly narrowing it down we decided one a smaller one with a bounce pillow (if you have never bounced on a bounce pillow I highly reccomancd it).

After pileing in the car we started the 45 minute truck to Dayton, ME. We spent the day laughing, jumping, getting lost in corn and singing loudly in the car while driving down winding roads that separated the farms decorating either side. It was magical. And, for the first time in a long time I felt loved.

Nanny Diares: The Sweetest Things

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Baby boy laughed for the first time last week. Not only was it the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard, it got me through the day…apparently he learned to scream/squeal over the five days I was absent from his life (because we all know I would’ve squashed that from the start).

I know what you are thinking, baby squeals are adorable, it’s so sweet. Except it isn’t, it’s worse than the screaming banshee cry and about three times as loud. And it’s not like you can tell it to stop…I mean it’s a baby…it doesn’t really get the whole “no” concept.

But every time I’m ready to throw in the towel, officially give them my recognition (usually after a horrible day that results with both the baby and I in tears) he changes. He makes a fart noise, he laughs, he gives me the cutest smile you could ever imagine.

And that’s why I stay. It’s certainly not the pay, or even half of my day. It’s for those few little moments that he sprinkles in just to make me realize why it’s all worth it.

“Supposed to” vs “Want to” (Part 2)

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Disclaimer: This post was written ages ago, but in my need to share things I don’t want to share I figured I would just publish it now. So enjoy the last of sad, mopey, howtowithcourtney because girlfriend got kicked to the curb four months ago and will not be returning. 

I’m supposed to be going on dates with new people, feeling better about life, and basically not thinking about how much it hurts when I hear a familiar song. What I want to do is stay in my bed crawled up like a dead spider surrounded by candy wrappers.

As you guessed I’ve been pushing myself, just this once, to do what I’m supposed to do.  Which lead to me going on a date, a date I probably wasn’t that ready for.

Don’t worry, I didn’t start crying when any array of break up songs came on, I didn’t bring him up excessively, and I was really nice. It helped that my date was a true gentleman, and one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met.

But, I wasn’t ready to get all romantical (it’s a word…just uh, trust me on that one). So when he kissed me (and Gavin Degraw’s ”Not Over You” song was playing…I know, where are the cameras when you need them?!) I didn’t know what to do. All I kept thinking of was my ex, what was he doing? Has he gone on other dates yet? Is he with someone right now? Does he even care anymore?

Luckily I’m a pro at multitasking, so it didn’t subtract from my kissing skills.

The whole thing just made me stop and think: should I be dating right now? Everyone takes different amounts of time to process things, and I just happen to be a slow processor right now. We had talked about sharing a life together, it’s not something I can just shove in a box (like I did with everything else) and ignore.

And although this guy was pretty amazing (resulting in a 9 hour first date, talking and driving around AND making fun of people – my three favorite things in life) I’m just not ready to even think about seriously dating again.

That’s okay, right? For this particular situation I think that I should absolutely be able to do what I want to, at least for a couple more weeks.

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Just Plain Ugly

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Lets get down to it, I online date. I’ve used: okcupid, Plenty of Fish (super classy), how about we, nerve, and I think I even tried J-date once (I’m not jewish)…lets just put it this way – I’ve been through the wringer.

And when you’re juggling so many profiles it’s hard to see any kind of future relationship emerge, I know…I’ve been there. After all, the reason we’re on these sites is to find a relationship, right? …just me? Then, there is that feeling of pure horror, when after the tenth first date your hopes of finding mr. right start to damper, and your standards start to dip lower. So…you settle. You figure “Hey, I’ll take what I can get.”

online dating

Home girl, don’t settle! Lets walk through the three main sections of online dating together, we will get you through this!

The Good: 

Online dating gives you a chance to meet people you never would normally talk to, or haphazardly run into at a cafe. It lets you screen potential people (either through googling searches, or just getting a chance to talk to them in general), and actually get a baseline going before meeting up somewhere. Who knows, maybe mr. right will turn out to be someone just living a few blocks away…but works the night shift so you never got a chance to run into him.

The Bad: 

Anything online is sketchy. And when actually meeting these people offline, it gets even scarier. You don’t know who they are, for all you know it’s the Craigslist killer using some random Facebook profile picture he took off of the Internet. So, you need to be smart! Never, under any circumstances, let him(or her) pick you up. Go there separately. Meet in public, and do not (I repeat) DO NOT go home with them. Just because they seem great after that initial meeting does not mean they are safe. Keep it public for a while before heading underground, better to be safe than sorry.

The Just Plain Ugly:

This is going to sound harsh but, there are some really ugly people out there. And they will put profile pictures highlighting their best feature, why wouldn’t you show off your best stuff? Remember, not everyone will look like their picture. Be prepared to have to deal with some awkward conversations:

“So what do you think?”

“Um, how long ago was that picture taken…you look really…different?”

“A few years ago, I’ve packed on the pounds since then.”

“And had a face transplant?”

No matter what route you take, just be sure to have fun and enjoy the date. Even if you meet the worlds worst person, just think of it as another great story to tell your BFF’s later that night (over some Ben and Jerry’s).