Monthly Archives: June 2012

Why Does Everyone Want to Control my Uterus?!

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I’m so sick of reading when I should and shouldn’t have baby. Of why I can and can not abort a baby if I’m not ready (or my body is unable to go through with the process). Or why having a baby early will help my career (which, in my mind is the worst reason of all. If I’m not ready to have children…I will not be having them). So back off world, you have not had to take care of my body for the past 23 years. You do not know the pains I went through at a young age, or the awkward moments.

abortion

So, I’d appreciate it if you kept your commentary to a minimum.

Normally I wouldn’t care, I’d take the talk-about-it-all-you-want-but-I’ma-do-what-I’ma-do,-kay?- approach. But that doesn’t seem to be working.

With more people crawling to the interwebs to give their input on what my lady business parts should be doing it’s starting to become a harder battle to fight. At first, sure, it was easy when it was me against 10 trolls…but now they’ve seem to have multiplied- dragging more influential people into their dungeon..er to their side.

So this is my final plea: As a 23 year old educated woman living on her own, I feel compelled to tell you that I will do what I want to do with my body. I do not appreciate your suggestions, quips, or “hysterical” memes, dictating what I should do with my body. It is not a privilege, it is not something that needs to be voted on. It’s my body, and I will do with my baby maker as I please.

Lets leave it at that, no more comments, no more meetings held in large halls and no one telling me what I can and can’t do with my body. My great grandmother didn’t burn her bra because she needed to keep warm, and we shouldn’t put up with this crap just because old white men think they know what’s best for the female body.

Okay. Mini rant done. Stop talking about my lady bid-nas.

Dear Red Sox PR Manager: Take Note

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First off,  have you seen this video?

Number 1: Your social media manager should’ve pointed this out as soon as it went live, and Number 2: you should already be contacting that boy’s parents to set up a meet and greet with your new team member.

This is a great PR opportunity for the Red Sox, not only is it timely but it’s the perfect way to kick off the summer. Plus, who doesn’t love a happy ending?

For those of you who opted to not watch the video, here’s the gist: A young White Sox fan is heartbroken over the recent trade of his favorite player, Brent Lillibridge. The Red Sox being the team who snatched him up.

Obviously, this poor heartbroken boy would like to continue his positive outlook on baseball – I’m sure he would not like to curse the Red Sox for stealing away his favorite player (I realize this is not how trades are made, but we’re talking about a little boy’s mind…so just go with it).

In this situation, here is what I would do:

  • First off, I’d reach out to the boys parents to see if they would be interested in being flown out to Boston for a game and a meet and greet with Brent Lillibridge.
  • Once the parents accepted, I’d have Lillibridge make a video reaching out to the boy inviting him publicly to come see his new home.
  • Assuming the boy accepts, he and his family are flown to see Boston for a game and meet and greet with Lillibridge.
  • Upon arriving, the boy would be outfitted with Red Sox gear. Also a crew would be filming his family experience, which would make a great commercial.
  • After the quick day trip is over, videos go up and the Red Sox look like a heart warming family tradition all over again.

See how wonderful the world of social media is? It’s not all cats and baby memes I swear.

Word to the wise though, you might want to move quick. The White Sox may just steal this opportunity to welcome Youk to town.

How To Win The Bachelor’s Heart

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Now, I wouldn’t say I’m an expert when it comes to reality t.v. dating shows…but let’s just say I’ve seen my share. I understand the rules, regulations, and forced drama. I crave the yelling, first kisses, and horribly cheesy dates.

One might say I enjoy sitting through two hours of fabricated love, and that person might be right. But, that is not why I’m writing this, I’m writing this to help every girl out there who ever dreamed of meeting Mr. Right via ABC. Who has given up on love at age 24 (because that’s reasonable) and just doesn’t know where else to look.

So, 22-year-old who just graduated college and is ready to meet Mr. Right on T.V. because it is obviously the better choice to online dating- this is for you:

Step 1: Wear either a light blue, navy, or blushing coral dress for the first meet and greet. When meeting him act a tad shy, but still have come confidence. A simple “Guess where my tattoo is?” with a little wink might be just the push he needs to choose you at the next ceremony. Don’t get pushed aside by batting your eyes or telling him how excited you are- go straight for sexy.

Step 2: Create a solid back story. Everyone loves a good story, this much I would hope to be obvious. Two things that will always help you stand out: A dead parent story (Trust me, I got your back on this one), or a heart warming tale about how close you are with your family, even though you were adopted. Sad family stories are your ticket to the first destination date.

Step 3: Start a fight. Guys love it when girls fight over them, so bring your drama to the front of each date and question why he kissed Tiffany. He’ll love that you show interest in his other budding relationships. So go ahead girl, jump up and down with your fists clenched every time he goes on another date. After all,  I’m sure you’ve never seen the show before so you don’t know what to expect.

Step 4: Your first group date. So, you’ve lasted this long without having to go on the disastrous group date. But, let me tell you- this may be your ticket to his heart! How so you ask? Well for starters, make a scene. Is he not giving you his full attention? Stomp your feet, have a nip slip, slap a hoe. Whatever it takes! Don’t stop until you’ve got mascara running down your face and his arm is around you. Then, you’re in.

Step 5: The final three. Okay, you’ve made it this far, only two more girls to nudge out before you get the cash- I mean your true love. Here’s the biggest tip I can give you, get both girls drunk and learn their most horrible stories. Once you have that piece of evidence hold it against them until they quit.

Step 6: Say yes. So both girls left, now it’s just the two of you (the way ABC had planned it after hearing your sob story). All that’s left is to say yes, then appear on the “After the Final Rose.”

Step 7: Stage a public break-up. Okay, so you’re 23 now and realized there is no chance in hell you want to be married to some guy that you met on a t.v. show. So you have a big fight about everything that went down during the t.v. show and call it quits. This only leaves you sad and alone, so you decide it’s time for a change and become the next contestant on “The Choice“.

Stay tuned for more helpful tips on wooing the next Bachelor, and watch out for me on the next season! (Just kidding, although wouldn’t that be hysterical?)

True Life: I’m Afraid of Your Smartphone

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I'm afraid of smartphones Hi, My name is Courtney, and I work in the social media field and do not own a smartphone. I don’t even have a plan that can includes data, and my phone might even flip open. And by might I mean it absolutely does. They don’t make this phone anymore…

Even though I may be on the cutting edge when it comes to trends on the Internet, and I could easily make a list of which smartphones you should buy, I have failed to join the millions (if not billions) of you who have one.

Sure, some days I long for ability to tweet a picture with a sepia tone effect giving the illusion that I’m an artist with the camera. I often yearn to check emails if it has been more than half an hour since my last sign in. And don’t even get me started on how many places I would be mayor if I joined foursquare.

I may have gotten laughed out of board rooms, mocked by younger siblings, and often snickered at when pulling out my old faithful. But there is something inside of my that just keeps pulling back, that just keeps my fingers from clicking that “confirm to buy” button online.

Before going there, I should admit there are a few benefits to living in the mobile stone age.

When I’m off from work, I’m off. Coming from a workaholic this is an amazing talent. I’m not getting constant pings that need my attention, no mentions to reply to, and not one comment I need to answer. I’m completely free, well until I turn on my computer and have 30+ unread emails all yelling at me to be answered that one minute.

Although I may ache to find restaurants with the touch of button, and to finally be able to see what those fuzzy black and white squares actually say, I  will continue to wait in the dark until I work up the nerve to give up the freedom of my little, but sturdy, flip phone.