Now, I wouldn’t say I’m an expert when it comes to reality t.v. dating shows…but let’s just say I’ve seen my share. I understand the rules, regulations, and forced drama. I crave the yelling, first kisses, and horribly cheesy dates.
One might say I enjoy sitting through two hours of fabricated love, and that person might be right. But, that is not why I’m writing this, I’m writing this to help every girl out there who ever dreamed of meeting Mr. Right via ABC. Who has given up on love at age 24 (because that’s reasonable) and just doesn’t know where else to look.
So, 22-year-old who just graduated college and is ready to meet Mr. Right on T.V. because it is obviously the better choice to online dating- this is for you:
Step 1: Wear either a light blue, navy, or blushing coral dress for the first meet and greet. When meeting him act a tad shy, but still have come confidence. A simple “Guess where my tattoo is?” with a little wink might be just the push he needs to choose you at the next ceremony. Don’t get pushed aside by batting your eyes or telling him how excited you are- go straight for sexy.
Step 2: Create a solid back story. Everyone loves a good story, this much I would hope to be obvious. Two things that will always help you stand out: A dead parent story (Trust me, I got your back on this one), or a heart warming tale about how close you are with your family, even though you were adopted. Sad family stories are your ticket to the first destination date.
Step 3: Start a fight. Guys love it when girls fight over them, so bring your drama to the front of each date and question why he kissed Tiffany. He’ll love that you show interest in his other budding relationships. So go ahead girl, jump up and down with your fists clenched every time he goes on another date. After all, I’m sure you’ve never seen the show before so you don’t know what to expect.
Step 4: Your first group date. So, you’ve lasted this long without having to go on the disastrous group date. But, let me tell you- this may be your ticket to his heart! How so you ask? Well for starters, make a scene. Is he not giving you his full attention? Stomp your feet, have a nip slip, slap a hoe. Whatever it takes! Don’t stop until you’ve got mascara running down your face and his arm is around you. Then, you’re in.
Step 5: The final three. Okay, you’ve made it this far, only two more girls to nudge out before you get the cash- I mean your true love. Here’s the biggest tip I can give you, get both girls drunk and learn their most horrible stories. Once you have that piece of evidence hold it against them until they quit.
Step 6: Say yes. So both girls left, now it’s just the two of you (the way ABC had planned it after hearing your sob story). All that’s left is to say yes, then appear on the “After the Final Rose.”
Step 7: Stage a public break-up. Okay, so you’re 23 now and realized there is no chance in hell you want to be married to some guy that you met on a t.v. show. So you have a big fight about everything that went down during the t.v. show and call it quits. This only leaves you sad and alone, so you decide it’s time for a change and become the next contestant on “The Choice“.
Stay tuned for more helpful tips on wooing the next Bachelor, and watch out for me on the next season! (Just kidding, although wouldn’t that be hysterical?)