First we have an earth quake in New England, and now with Sandy headed our way it is pretty clear what is happening…the apocalypse. Just look at the signs: People eating other people’s faces, random earthquakes, Justin Timberlake married Jessica biel..it’s so obvious!
Lucky for you I’m a bit of a disaster movie geek, I may or may not have seen (and memorized) every movie to do with the impending apocalypse. However, that knowledge, that my family always called useless, is about to come in handy…with the whole impending end of the world due date headed our way.
Hopefully this ancient wisdom I’m about to drop helps you and your loved ones:
Step 1: Befriend a scientist/novelist/attractive strong man. For some reason disaster movies have yet to focus on a heroine. So as Hollywood would have us to believe, it is important we find a man to help us on our journey to the other side of the world- er to safety.
Step 2: Learn to hotwire a car/fly a plan. In most instances you will be traveling. If you have the skills to hotwire a car you won’t need to wait for pesky things like owners of the car to come back and give you a lift. Better yet, learn how to fly a plane, in doing so you’ll also secure your place on a flight.
Step 3: Do not separate, ever. Just like in every horror movie, when people break off into groups someone dies. Or almost dies, but because we’re no Tom Cruz if we separate we will die. So just don’t do that.
Step 4: Stand next to Tom Cruz. He never dies, so you’ll be safe.
Step 5: How’s your relationship with your dad? Ever notice how fathers in disaster movies always come to the rescue? Better start making up for lost time with visits and father daughter bonding trips. Of course he won’t leave you behind, but it may make all the difference when choosing between you and your sibling.
Step 6: Pack your bags now. Save some time for yourself and keep a bag packed by the door. Remember in Independence Day when everyone was packing at the same time, which meant they all left at the same time. Avoid the hassle of traffic and be ready to jump in your car as soon as you get the news the world is ending. You also may want to have some extra gas in your trunk; there is nothing worse than having to fill up your tank while outrunning a natural disaster, or a fleet of alien ships.
Step 7: Buy a hummer. Or an SUV, or some giant car that can demolish other cars. Though John Cusack was able to outrun the end of Las Angeles in a limo…you may not be so lucky.
Step 8: You will live if you’re in love. For you to be the survivor there needs to be some amount of romance going on. Be sure to build your survival group with at least three available handsome men, that way you get three shots at being the last two alive. Especially since you may need to get population going after the world ends.
Step 9: Have a safe house. Preferably underground, or in a high-rise building. However, do not rush to the New York Public library, the creators of The Day After Tomorrow actually raised the height of the building to make it work for the shots. Repeat, you will not be safe there.
Step 10: One Word: Twinkies. As we learned from Family Guy, if the end of the world is nigh head towards a town with a Twinkie factory in the center of it.
That’s all the advice I have for you today, but be sure to check back as the day grows closer. We’ll go over packing essentials, the best locations to be when terror strikes, and of course links for where to buy your one-way ticket out of here.