Category Archives: relationships

Help! I’m Stuck in a Taylor Swift Album!

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Since Taylor Swift came to market with her catchy tunes, and heart breakingly true lyrics, I’ve joked that she was reading from my diary (along with every other girl in the world).

However, the joke is over and now I’ve been trapped in her album.

With every growing fling I can feel myself being pulled towards another song. And while I enjoy the constant sound track to my love life enough is enough.

I’m tired of being able to predict the outcomes of my courtships, or ex-ships for that matter, already knowing the point when things will start going sour. Seeing the pain points brought to light by the tall blonde are just making me miserable in the beginning (though I was hoping my anti-anxiety pills would let me stop being anxiety girl –  giving me the ability to jump to the worse conclusions possible at a seconds notices – sadly TSwift’s lyrics cause me to put my cape back on).

So I’m asking to be pulled out of my T-Swift funk. I want to leave her album and move on to something more uplifting, something more about  she-woman power and less about the men who I opt to date.

While I love my Swifty-poo I’m just over the stage of endless dating to find the person who might make me feel like they are “Mine.” I’m tired of constantly always getting back together with the wrong person, of burning pictures (plus the fire department isn’t a fan of that) and I’ve exhausted my revenges plots on the men who leave me for someone else (okay I don’t really do that, I just go back to them instead).

What I’m trying to get at is that I’m done with being 22 (for about a year and a half ago now actually) and am ready for a different album to be my ear worm. T-Swift will always have a special place in my heart that, like Adele, is reserved for break ups, but currently with this new stage in my life I need a new album to wander through – preferably one that has nothing to do with men and the lack of relationships I’m hoping to find in the upcoming months.

Sorry girl, but it’s time for me to fly solo for a bit and though I know you wish I would stay, stay, stay, I have to go, go, go.

Perhaps old school Destiny’s Child will be getting a call soon…after all I am a momma who profits dollahs.

How To Date Yourself

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Just because you’re alone during the month of February doesn’t mean you need to cry in a dark room while downing copious amounts of wine, stolen chocolate, and Adele blaring from your speakers.

Though, that may sound like a great alternative, why not try something out of the Liz Lemon book : Date yourself.

I’ve found myself bouncing from relationship to relationship (if you can even call them that) continually over the past two years. The longest I’ve been alone has probably amounted to a month, at the absolutely most. But even then I still had someone on the back burner.

Before my insane relationship hopper mentality I was always alone, always the third wheel, and always fine with it. But lately I can’t get swept up fast enough, even if I can’t stand the person doing the sweeping. I let it happen because I want to be loved so badly I don’t care who it’s coming from.

Most of this is my fault though; I’m so afraid of being alone that I surround myself with anyone who will be near me.

That isn’t healthy. Which is why I started therapy.

I have good days though, days when I’m like “I can do this, I got this. Who needs someone to love you..”  Then after I have a half conversation with myself, or a love song sneaks on my Kanye Pandora station, I spiral down again and run for the chocolates.

Yes, eating your feelings is completely normal. Suck it Jenny Craig.

Anyway, back to being alone and dating yourself…because that sounds way more awesome than eating an entire bag of chocolates.

It’s important to take time to get to know yourself. Take yourself out for coffee, treat yourself to a glass of wine and a slice of pizza at your favorite place.

While it may sound silly, think of it this way: You spend all of this time getting to know a stranger, learning about their hopes and dreams…but how much time do you spend learning about yourself?

Honestly though, have you ever had a conversation with yourself? Not in a crazy person way, but in a getting to know yourself way. I’m not sure how I can make that not sound crazy, hopefully you just get the point.

It’s important to spend time getting to know yourself, so dust off your favorite dress and take yourself out for a night on the town.

My Future Vows to my (unknown) Future Husband

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Yesterday I reaffirmed my love with Tumblr by re-discovering Love Notes to My Future Husband. So, as tribute, I decided to write my own sort of love note to my future husband, whoever that unlucky man should be.  

Well, this is your last chance to runaway. I’ll give you ten seconds to really think about it….

Okay, so you’re staying? You realize that you are also marrying into my crazy family, correct? Okay, good.

Just so we’re clear on a few things, I figured I should, you know, list out the things I vow to do while married.

Here goes nothing:

I vow to always bring yummy snacks on our road trips. Snacks that I’ll share with you while you do the driving, because let’s be honest I suck at driving and dislike it very much.

I also promise to engage in spontaneous Nerf gun fights with you, wherever, whenever…you may want to check under your seat at the reception.

I promise to never make you watch the bachelor, the bachelorette, or bachelor pad. But, if you happen to wander into the same room it is playing I won’t change the channel, I will, however, share my popcorn.

I vow to make you chicken soup when you’re sick, and walk the dog with you at night (hopefully by now we’ll have discussed how much we both want a dog). I promise to never openly compare you to Jim Halpert, since we all know he is the true love of my life…just kidding.

When we have kids I promise to let you be the bad cop. It’s really no problem, really.

I promise to hold your hand in public when you look absolutely disgusting and sweaty from your most recent workout, or if we’re just having a bum day. I promise to kiss you even when you have a scraggly beard and morning breath. And I promise to spend the rest of our lives loving you more than I do today.

Which will be easy because I’m writing all of this before I meet you. But I know someday I will get to finally meet you, and I’ll understand why it never worked with any other boyfriends. Until that day comes though I’ll be enjoying the whole single life with my wonderful roommates, however…when you do decide to make your grand entrance I would thoroughly appreciate if you’d bypass the mind games.

I can’t wait to meet you!

Love always,

Your future wife.

I used to be a good dater, what happened?

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There was a time in my life where I went on over 60 first dates, not because I was looking for love (I think we all know I would’ve just gone on the Bachelor if that were the case) but because I wanted to meet new people and see what was out there.

Back then, I was an amazing dater. I never had a bad date because I wasn’t expecting anything, so technically I couldn’t. Now though, now that I’ve experience good relationships…I’m hooked. I don’t want to be single, in fact I hate being single.

That’s right, I, a 23-year-old good-looking (yeah I’m saying I’m good-looking) young woman doesn’t want to be single. Why? Because men suck, most guys, in fact, suck. So I’d rather just find my forever (a term I call that one and only) rather than dating a bunch of random people who are just wasting my time.

For instance: (also I realize a good chunk of you read this just to hear about disaster dates…so you’re welcome) A guy came over recently. Yeah, probably not the best idea I realize that now. He knew that he had an hour, and that I was in the middle of work so it was just a meet and greet. No funny business, I am a lady after all.

So anyway, we’re talking and politics come up. Without getting into much he’s a conservative and I am not. He proceed to call me a “brain washed lemming” and “Stalin.” I know what you’re thinking, when are we getting married.

Not to disappoint but I kicked him out shortly after the Stalin comment.

It’s guys like that that are making it difficult to be a good dater. I’m just not interested in going on bad date, after bad date…I’d much prefer Prince Charming to just show up at my door step and announce that I no longer need to search.

Then again I’m sure we’d all like that.

How To Win The Bachelor’s Heart

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Now, I wouldn’t say I’m an expert when it comes to reality t.v. dating shows…but let’s just say I’ve seen my share. I understand the rules, regulations, and forced drama. I crave the yelling, first kisses, and horribly cheesy dates.

One might say I enjoy sitting through two hours of fabricated love, and that person might be right. But, that is not why I’m writing this, I’m writing this to help every girl out there who ever dreamed of meeting Mr. Right via ABC. Who has given up on love at age 24 (because that’s reasonable) and just doesn’t know where else to look.

So, 22-year-old who just graduated college and is ready to meet Mr. Right on T.V. because it is obviously the better choice to online dating- this is for you:

Step 1: Wear either a light blue, navy, or blushing coral dress for the first meet and greet. When meeting him act a tad shy, but still have come confidence. A simple “Guess where my tattoo is?” with a little wink might be just the push he needs to choose you at the next ceremony. Don’t get pushed aside by batting your eyes or telling him how excited you are- go straight for sexy.

Step 2: Create a solid back story. Everyone loves a good story, this much I would hope to be obvious. Two things that will always help you stand out: A dead parent story (Trust me, I got your back on this one), or a heart warming tale about how close you are with your family, even though you were adopted. Sad family stories are your ticket to the first destination date.

Step 3: Start a fight. Guys love it when girls fight over them, so bring your drama to the front of each date and question why he kissed Tiffany. He’ll love that you show interest in his other budding relationships. So go ahead girl, jump up and down with your fists clenched every time he goes on another date. After all,  I’m sure you’ve never seen the show before so you don’t know what to expect.

Step 4: Your first group date. So, you’ve lasted this long without having to go on the disastrous group date. But, let me tell you- this may be your ticket to his heart! How so you ask? Well for starters, make a scene. Is he not giving you his full attention? Stomp your feet, have a nip slip, slap a hoe. Whatever it takes! Don’t stop until you’ve got mascara running down your face and his arm is around you. Then, you’re in.

Step 5: The final three. Okay, you’ve made it this far, only two more girls to nudge out before you get the cash- I mean your true love. Here’s the biggest tip I can give you, get both girls drunk and learn their most horrible stories. Once you have that piece of evidence hold it against them until they quit.

Step 6: Say yes. So both girls left, now it’s just the two of you (the way ABC had planned it after hearing your sob story). All that’s left is to say yes, then appear on the “After the Final Rose.”

Step 7: Stage a public break-up. Okay, so you’re 23 now and realized there is no chance in hell you want to be married to some guy that you met on a t.v. show. So you have a big fight about everything that went down during the t.v. show and call it quits. This only leaves you sad and alone, so you decide it’s time for a change and become the next contestant on “The Choice“.

Stay tuned for more helpful tips on wooing the next Bachelor, and watch out for me on the next season! (Just kidding, although wouldn’t that be hysterical?)