Tag Archives: Baby

The Nanny Diaries: Nanny gone bad

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Maybe it’s because I’m slowly realizing all babies are the spawn of satan, maybe it’s because I feel like my potential is being wasted on caring for a lump of fat (yes, I realize that is harsh but he knows how I feel about his weight gain). Whatever the real reason behind (which I’m positive we both know) I’m tired of this gig.

I can’t take the screaming anymore, the being pushed away (even though he supposedly “loves me” …yeah lady gimme some proof on that one), the insanely full diapers of poop, getting peed on..do I really need to continue?

It’s surprisingly a lot to deal with. Especially the crying, there are only so many squats I can do per nap scream.

So I’ve started looking for a new job, shh it’s on the down low. I think the baby knows though, he keeps giving me this sad puppy dog eyes…which makes me want to stay for about a minute. Then he has a major blow out (picture the exorcist vomiting scene…but from a different end) and it makes me realize I’m not ready to be wiping buts right now.

No matter what, it’s a dilemma. I love this little guy, but this is just not what I’m supposed to be doing now.

Nanny Diares: The Sweetest Things

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Baby boy laughed for the first time last week. Not only was it the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard, it got me through the day…apparently he learned to scream/squeal over the five days I was absent from his life (because we all know I would’ve squashed that from the start).

I know what you are thinking, baby squeals are adorable, it’s so sweet. Except it isn’t, it’s worse than the screaming banshee cry and about three times as loud. And it’s not like you can tell it to stop…I mean it’s a baby…it doesn’t really get the whole “no” concept.

But every time I’m ready to throw in the towel, officially give them my recognition (usually after a horrible day that results with both the baby and I in tears) he changes. He makes a fart noise, he laughs, he gives me the cutest smile you could ever imagine.

And that’s why I stay. It’s certainly not the pay, or even half of my day. It’s for those few little moments that he sprinkles in just to make me realize why it’s all worth it.

Nanny Diaries: The Drool Monster

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drool monster

Drooling is a normal occurrence for any living being, just ask my mom. But what is not a normal occurrence is when that living being not only drools…but makes pools out of his drool. Pools big enough for a 500 pound woman to swim in, I swear I am not exaggerating.

This creature, aka my baby, is a drooling monster. Not only has everything I owned been made into a drool rag, but it’s impossible to keep him drool free.

Ex. He drools, I wipe his entire face and chubby neck. Three seconds later and his entire body is covered in drool…I’m not even sure how that’s possible.

I’ve come to the conclusion that he is a magic drool monster, not a baby. And after doing some hefty research (mainly on Wikipedia) I’ve decided he is an adult drool monster, which oddly enough takes the appearance of a baby.  Hopefully he won’t catch on to me, I hear they have a really mean blow out revenge.

Nanny Diaries: Fart Sounds

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When you are a baby very weird things will make you laugh. Maybe someone falling causes a laugh attack, a sip of water gone bad, or the occasional fart sound.

I’m talking about the ones coming from your mouth people.

It all started on a strange day, the clouds were hanging low in the sky…the baby was screaming. Okay, so it was a normal day for me.

The parents had recently discovered that my baby was laughing, laughing a lot in fact. However, he was not laughing a lot for me..and as I’m sure you all will agree… I am hysterical.

This whole crying and not laughing wasn’t really working for me.

So I decided to test out a few of my better known comedy acts. I played peek-a-boo..nothing, walked down imaginary stairs…not even a smile, I dove up and down, swung back and forth…still not so much as a peep. My heart was breaking.

Then, in an act of defeat, I stuck out my tongue and blew a raspberry (a childish taunting, yes, but it was deserved after all of my attempts).

He lost his mind, not only did he literally pee himself laughing (okay maybe it was from eating or because he pees every three seconds) but he tried to copy me. It was genius!

I should’ve known from the start, he is a boy after all. Of course making fart sounds would get his attention!

The only issue was the actual mother of my baby was against teaching him how to make fart sounds…the father however encouraged it.

Yes, the father and I are now plotting on how we can drive the mother insane with baby fart sounds.

Nanny Diaries: Stage five clinger

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When you are putting a baby to bed it’s important to be there just enough so it knows that everything is okay, but still be able to pull away in order to make your exit.

Being a nanny is a lot like this.

You have to spend all of this time with this little creature (I’m calling him creature because his cries  do not sound human) and know that at the end of the day it’s just a job.

Yes, you may be with him/her for a few birthdays, keep in touch with the family afterwards, be there for a couple of milestones…but at the end of the day you go home and the parents reap all of the benefits.

Nannying is basically renting a baby, except you get paid. You put all of this effort into bettering something you don’t keep. (Please note I am not saying I want a baby to keep!) It’s sometimes hard to to see the benefits, or even feel like you’re bettering yourself.

As much as I love this little monster, I can’t help but feel there is something more productive I could be doing. It’s fun to write about the annoyances, concerns and major milestones…but how is it going to help me in the end. And, as time goes on saying goodbye will just be more difficult…I already refer to him as my baby (yes I know I have a problem…but for now you can just suck it).

So, I hate to say it…but I think I’m the clinger in our relationship. Although he does still monkey grip my arms every time I try to leave.