In college you’re supposed to find yourself, become different, making yourself stand out. But then during graduation we all just become one, a unified group of people who made it through four (or more) years of intense nights filled with writing long papers. So, on Saturday, when I was sitting at the end of my row lost in a sea of faceless black robes I started thinking about who I was. And who I had wanted myself to become, would my 10-year-old self want to look up to me? I decided yes, then continued making fun of the boy who was picking his nose behind me.
Although I’d been to a college graduation before, I had forgotten how long they were. The least the school could have done was supply each graduate with a comfortable seat. I started getting antsy, then the key-note speaker said something about fighting dragons and I perked up.
Luckily I was seated next to someone who couldn’t focus and wanted to make a game out of making fun of people, needless to say I was entertained through out. We played randomly pick someone and loudly cheer from them, count how many other people have your name (10 other Courtney’s), and then stressed over the short walk across the stage that was slowly approaching us.
So while sitting there, lost in a sea of unfamiliarity I got to thinking about me, and who I am. I have to say it was pretty informative, I ended up learning 6 different things about myself:
1. I‘m really awkward- I know you might be thinking. yes Courtney, we already know this, you did a whole post about it. But really, I am. I’m the person who says that one thing and ruins a whole conversations.
2. Surprisingly, I’m a people person- I know the two statements don’t go hand in hand. But after tomorrow I’ve realized I can become acquaintances (at least) with everyone.
3. My Friends aren’t super popular- I went through four years with them, and compared to me they were always going out with people and texting constantly. So i thought they were pretty darn popular, but the whoops and hollers weren’t so loud for them compared to some of the others. Most of those people though, I had never heard of.
4. I don’t ever want kids- At one part, one of the speakers talked about her career and it made me think: How can I be a writer and a good mom at the same time? I’m sure many people are amazing parents and have phenomenal careers, but I don’t think I could be one of those people. I’m too focused on one project at a time, yes I can multitask (i.e. writer a book, be successful in school, and writer over 100 articles in a semester) but I don’t think I could equally focus on both being a parent and a writer. I’m not really the motherly type anyway.
5. I’m afraid of being alone- Not in the sense of never finding a husband alone, just in the sense of being physically alone. Eventually (in the next 6 months) I’m going to move out of my parents house and when I do there is no guarantee that I will have a friend willing to join me. I’ll have to start in a city where I know no one, and it’s kind of terrifying. (any advice on dealing with this?)
6. I hate crowds- So after it was done and my hat and tassel had been separated, due to my strong throw in the air, we were expected to find our way out of the crowd. Which was kind of like emerging from birth, well minus the mucus and blood. I felt like I was in a bad dream, the kind where you can’t move or breath and just have to continue moving forward. I ended up standing on a chair praying my parents would spot me.
And with that I’m going to go make myself a bowl of popcorn, heat up some water for my green tea, and finish watching season 3 of true blood. Don’t worry I’ll soon put up a post on my love affair with all three.