It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

I haven’t really been too big on celebrating birthdays since losing my mom. She was amazing with birthdays, you could just see how excited she would get planning another award-winning bash. So when I lost her I felt like I just lost it all, so I stuffed away party planning for a while. Until high school, but through out those four years every party was a disaster..it either started or ended with tears.

My best friend can attest to walking into my room (on my 18th birthday) and finding me sobbing on my bed. And last year, though my friends has the best of intentions, I ran out crying before they could finish singing happy birthday..

Last year though, was the hardest birthday. I was turning 21, and even though my step mom (who I call mom, mama, MA, madukes…but to avoid confusion I’ll refer to her as step mom) is amazing and everything someone could ask for…it’s just not the same. Every girl thinks that her mother is going to be able to watch her grow up and hit mile stones, for me 21 was a big mile stone. And again she wasn’t there.

Every year I do kind of hope that she’ll be there standing at the side of my bed, saying “Wake up Courtney, it’s your big day”. And every year I’m disappointed she’s not there. So what do I do? I get grumpy, I cry a little, and look at old photos.  (usually eat a lot of chocolate and drink green tea, maybe read a book or 3)

My family is amazing, but they don’t understand that sometimes I’d like to just let the day pass by without any acknowledgment. I’d be perfectly happy if my birthday involved me sitting alone in a cafe (as long as it had wi-fi). But instead, I suck it up and put on a brave face.

No more parties though, just return shopping and dinner with my mama (aka step mom) and sometimes my pops. But it’s a nice tradition, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

How to: Celebrate your birthday:

Step 1: Acknowledge that you are a year older

Step 2: Smile from the texts and/or wall posts you get from your friends who also are acknowledging that you are a year older

Step 3: Do something that makes you happy

So…Happy Birthday to me!  (At least this year I know what I want to be when I grow up…and I even have a plan! )