Tag Archives: Parent

A Letter to The Mom I Never Knew

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Dear Betty,

A lot has changed since the last time you saw me, I’ve grown at least a foot, lost all of my baby teeth, and now know how to tame the unruly uni-brown that genetics has passed onto me.

You see, I was unpacking the dishes that my sister, your first daughter, had set aside for me after you left. And boy did it suck. With every dish I unwrapped I knew you had touched it, had washed it, had prepared a meal to put on it (a meal that I will probably never prepare, because let’s be real…did not get your cooking genes).

Then it happened, I found a dirty dish. I lost it. All I could think was, this could have been the last plate you touched before it happened. The last plate you used yourself without someone having to feed you. I know I should wash it, but it’s hard to wash away another piece of you.

Why should I have to give up one more piece?

You’ve missed so much mom, so many conversations we should have had, so many boys you should have been here to tell me were stupid, so many things you just weren’t here to see. And now I’m sitting in my apartment, wishing you could be here. To see it, to give me your stamp of approval, to tell me to be careful and what wines go best with a broken heart.

But you aren’t, and you never will be. I miss you so much, and very few people can begin to understand how one can miss someone they barely knew. And it sucks, it sucks so much mom.

I’ve accepted that you won’t be here for a lot of things, like the major events in my life…but I’ve found I never really prepared myself for the day-to-day things. Like buying chairs, or picking out which flowers to plant, just simple things I want your advice on. But unfortunately I was jipped. And our relationship was cut short.

Well, to make a long letter even longer, just wanted to say I love you, miss you, and wish you could see my new place.

Love always,

your miracle baby.

P.S. I graduated from college with honors, and barely partied/made poor decisions.

P.P.S. I decided I want to become a writer, and before you start in on me about money just know dad already let me have it. But it makes me happy, so you should just support me..kay?

P.P.P.S. Also, if there is anyway you could pull some strings, you know…maybe drop an article or two onto Cosmo or Seventeen’s editor-in-chief’s desk, I would absolutely appreciate it.

6 Things I Learned About Myself While Sitting for 3 Hours on the Lawn of My Alma mater

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In college you’re supposed to find yourself, become different, making yourself stand out. But then during graduation we all just become one, a unified group of people who made it through four (or more) years of intense nights filled with writing long papers. So, on Saturday, when I was sitting at the end of my row lost in a sea of faceless black robes I started thinking about who I was. And who I had wanted myself to become, would my 10-year-old self want to look up to me? I decided yes, then continued making fun of the boy who was picking his nose behind me.

Although I’d been to a college graduation before, I had forgotten how long they were. The least the school could have done was supply each graduate with a comfortable seat. I started getting antsy,  then the key-note speaker said something about fighting dragons and I perked up.

Luckily I was seated next to someone who couldn’t focus and wanted to make a game out of making fun of people, needless to say I was entertained through out. We played randomly pick someone and loudly cheer from them, count how many other people have your name (10 other Courtney’s), and then stressed over the short walk across the stage that was slowly approaching us.

So while sitting there, lost in a sea of unfamiliarity I got to thinking about me, and who I am. I have to say it was pretty informative, I ended up learning  6 different things about myself:

1. I‘m really awkward- I know you might be thinking. yes Courtney, we already know this, you did a whole post about it. But really, I am. I’m the person who says that one thing and ruins a whole conversations.

2. Surprisingly, I’m a people person- I know the two statements don’t go hand in hand. But after tomorrow I’ve realized I can become acquaintances (at least) with everyone.

3. My Friends aren’t super popular- I went through  four years with them, and compared to me they were always going out with people and texting constantly. So i thought they were pretty darn popular, but the whoops and hollers weren’t so loud for them compared to some of the others. Most of those people though, I had never heard of.

4. I don’t ever want kids- At one part, one of the speakers talked about her career and it made me think: How can I be a writer and a good mom at the same time? I’m sure many people are amazing parents and have phenomenal careers, but I don’t think I could be one of those people. I’m too focused on one project at a time, yes I can multitask (i.e. writer a book, be successful in school, and writer over 100 articles in a semester) but I don’t think I could equally focus on both being a parent and a writer. I’m not really the motherly type anyway.

5. I’m afraid of being alone- Not in the sense of never finding a husband alone, just in the sense of being physically alone.  Eventually (in the next 6 months) I’m going to move out of my parents house and when I do there is no guarantee that I will have a friend willing to join me. I’ll have to start in a city where I know no one, and it’s kind of terrifying. (any advice on dealing with this?)

6. I hate crowds- So after it was done and my hat and tassel had been separated, due to my strong throw in the air, we were expected to find our way out of the crowd. Which was kind of like emerging from birth, well minus the mucus and blood. I felt like I was in a bad dream, the kind where you can’t move or breath and just have to continue moving forward. I ended up standing on a chair praying my parents would spot me.

And with that I’m going to go make myself a bowl of popcorn, heat up some water for my green tea, and finish watching season 3 of true blood. Don’t worry I’ll soon put up a post on my love affair with all three.