I quit what I thought was my dream job yesterday.
After struggling for a month and a half to force myself to love both the highs and lows I decided to leave. With a heavy heart I wrote my brief resignation letter and waited until 4:30pm to discuss with my director the next steps moving forward.
It’s not a decision I made lightly. I had been in talks with him since March to find a different place within the company, something that involved more creative duties. But alas (yes I just wrote alas) there was nothing that fit my needs and theirs.
After a job proposal, an internal interview, and over a month and a half since admitting to both myself and the company that I wasn’t happy my journey here is finally over.
I’ve avoided writing about my struggles with this company for a while, but I think it’s important to fully address it now.
As I’ve mentioned in the past I have issues with stress. My body basically doesn’t have the right balance to deal with stressful situations. So when I get into an overloaded stress situation my body shuts down. Which is what happened in late February.
It was terrifying that a job I though was my dream career was basically shutting down my body. Eventually I went to the doctor, after suffering three panic attacks in a month, and was put on anxiety medicine.
The decision to quit at first had a lot to do with my physical health. I was told by countless friends that I couldn’t let a job basically destroy my health. They were right, but I couldn’t admit to myself that I wasn’t able to handle this balancing act.
I felt inadequate, so rather than listening to my body I kept pushing on.
I was so stressed out that I wasn’t remembering to eat. I was exhausted all the time and bitter. Not to mention just plain mean.
I worked late, and resented my job for it. It was impossible to meet the amount of deadlines I was dealing with while still thinking about my health.
I don’t know what woke me up, but I finally realized I didn’t want to live like this. I didn’t want to put my health on the back burner and do something because “it was supposed” to be my dream job.
Sometimes dream jobs don’t work out the way we want them to, and that’s okay.
When I started this job it had all the elements I’d always wanted, building strategies, dealing with multiple clients, and surrounded by an amazing work environment. But that’s not exactly what it ended up being for my actual position.
So I quit with a months notice to smooth over transitions. I quit with no job offer because that’s what I needed to do, because when we finally see what a job does to us it’s important to fix all of the wrongs before moving on.
And the first wrong I’m fixing is to start putting my health first.