Every Monday and Wednesday I sit at my desk from 10-4. And in that period of time I usually drink 3 glasses of water (at least) and 1 or 2 cups of tea.
Now both of those things do not have lids and the idea of either of them ever spilling on my laptop had never occurred to me. Just one of those things you don’t really think will happen to you.
I was wrong to think that way.
On Monday March 23rd, 2011 I spilt an entire cup of water on my lap top. Not only did I freak out and move so fast you would have thought I had dropped a baby on their head but I was also in the middle of work and was rushing to try to call my boss to let her now the horrible situation that just took place.
She soothed my woes by telling me that it was possible it would be completely fine and under no circumstances turn it on, just let it dry. I sat on my bed holding my self wishing it was some other week, earlier that week I had received an email from an employee in which she told me that I was rude, condescending, undermined others, and sucked at being a leader. All in all not a great week.
The entire night I replayed the way my hand had graced my cup, the way my cup full of water had teetered, and then tipped the wrong way and spilt across my keyboard and screen. How I had leapt to grab it and yank it the other way, but was too late.
From that moment on I vowed I would never drink an open cup of water near my computer. I didn’t want to take the risk of hurting my computer again.
This is pretty consistent with my love life, well non-existent love life. Except I can’t be fixed by being propped up and having a fan pointed at me. I do usually shut down in the same manner though, immediate and a black screen usually pops up, I won’t turn on for a while. And for the next month or slow I’ll run a little slow, and pop up warning signs of the chance of being hurt again.
But unlike my computer I won’t take a risk again, I won’t just automatically trust you. If you hurt me, I won’t be able to look at you the same way. fortunately my computer doesn’t have feelings or eyes and still lets me use it, and has sprung back to life at a fast rate.
I’m not willing to take chances of leaving my heart open waiting to be spilled again (yeah that’s an awkward metaphor..but you’re just going to have to deal with it.) After awhile you just have to ask yourself is the risk worth the reward? In the case of my computer, is the risk of spilling hot tea worth the reward of drinking it by my computer? probably not. But that’s why I moved my dresser to make my desk more like a super desk, and now it is far enough that it won’t spill but close enough that I can still reach it.
And with me, I don’t know if I can handle being hurt again. I’ve gotten so used to burying myself in work and school that when I have a second to stop, I don’t want to share it with someone. I’ve become accustomed to being alone as a sort of protection. So I keep people just within my reach, but not close enough to cause any damage.