How to love again:

I’m not really one to ever talk about relationships. I’m horrible in them, and I fall too hard for guys that I really have no business falling for. I throw around the world love like my family uses salt at the dinner table and I’ve used it so many times I don’t know what it actually is supposed to mean…after all Steve Carell set the precedent when he loved lamp. (bad joke, but I couldn’t resist)

So…what is love. undefinable? this majestic feeling that lifts you off your feet and makes you warm and cozy inside, like a hot chocolate with just the right amount of marshmallows.

Webster tells us:

1. a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire :affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love <give her my love>

2. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person’s adoration of God

But…that doesn’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel…how do I know if it’s love. How do I know if I can love someone again?

In writing this post I’m not questioning if I will ever love another man again..lord knows I will, but whether I will ever love another mom again.

A fun fact about myself that I usually don’t share with other people is that my mum died. I don’t share it because I hate that it in some way or shape defines me. I hate the “I’m sorry” look and how some people are more careful around you. My mum died when I was 6 of ALS (it’s fitting I tell you now because May is ALS awareness month) After watching (for about a year) my mum disintegrate in front of my eyes I didn’t think I could ever let another mother like figure into my heart. I don’t remember a lot about my mum, some people say it’s because I was so young but I think I’m blocking out the more painful episodes. The few memories I have of her are a combination, some are her sitting in the living room drinking out of a coffee mug..being able to walk..lifting me out of the car. Others are from when she had no mobility, when she was confined to a wheel chair that did everything for her. My favorite one (the one I remember on my own..not influenced by pictures or people) is when I went with her and my dad for treatment (at least how I remember it) and we were all in the pool, (This was about the time my mother lost use of her legs) and we were waiting for her to get in…when she got in she could walk again. She could pick me up…it was like she wasn’t even sick anymore, we were normal again. That’s the last healthy memory I have of us as a family.

So my title…how to love again…

I just didn't have bangs, and my nose was smaller.

For me I have to let go of the fear that they will leave me…either by dying or by just leaving. I need to trust the fact that loving someone and letting them in is worth it. That giving myself up as some exposed canvas will be okay. I won’t end up crumpled on the floor missing them, I’ll be able to pick myself up and be o k a y .

I’ve had a step mother for about 9 years now. I call her mom, I tell her I love her, but I can’t help wondering if I really do. Can I really ever love another mother again? Do I want to risk giving my all and her leaving me? Is being worried about that love? How could I not love the woman who got me through my teenage years, I mean come-on…to put up with me she must’ve loved me back. But I can’t help feeling guilt for loving someone else’s mom, for not staying true to my mum.  Which is probably why I’m writing a whole book about it (had to plug it in).

So…for my usual procedural step part of my entry:

Step 1: breath in

Step 2: Inch forward

Step 3: Jump in

The only way to love someone is by going all the way in, you can’t just stick your feet into the top of the water…you need to cannon ball in and trust that someone will be there to kiss your booboo’s when you come out.

2 thoughts on “How to love again:

  1. I do not want to write Sorry to know to be one of those you feel about….Well, I see your point…you can never do it partially…it is either all or nothing…

  2. Pingback: How to: Celebrate your Birthday « "How to do it" with Courtney

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